Originally published in Joy of Medina County Magazine, May 2019 (see below)
Over the years, I have learned a lot about forgiveness that goes against conventional wisdom and certainly what is posted in social media.
You do not have to forgive the abuser to achieve wellness or to move on.
The energy spent forcing yourself to forgive someone is better used elsewhere.
The only person who needs forgiveness from you is you.
Forgive yourself for being a victim, for being hurt.
Forgive yourself for being angry, you have the right to be angry and the right to let it go when you are ready.
Forgive yourself for the time it takes to heal and for the setbacks that slow that healing.
Forgive yourself for needing the help, support and resources of family and friends while you heal. As amazing as you are now, you will be even more so after healing.
When considering giving the gift of forgiveness, ask yourself these questions first:
Did they say sorry and ask for forgiveness?
Did they change? Not for the moment, but long term? Change proves an apology’s sincerity. There is no deadline for forgiveness, it should not be given until change is proven.
Have you healed? For as long as it takes for the bones to knit, for the bruises to fade away, for the pain and heartache to heal, they should have to wait for forgiveness.
Being granted forgiveness is not a right, granting it is not a requirement. It is a gift.
This Mother’s Day, forgiveness is not a gift my mother will be given from me. She once again will receive the silence she earned through the horrific abuse she was so sure no one would remember.
I have forgiven myself for being too small, too weak, too young to stop the abuse or to save others. I forgive myself for not being perfect. I am comfortable with the knowledge that every day I do my best to bring joy to the world and that my children are the first in four generations to not be abused.
To good mothers and to those who have mothers who loved them, a joyous, happy Mother’s Day to you. It was your existence that gave me hope when I needed it most.